I seem to be in fast forward mode while also in burn out and slowing down …

does that make any sense?

probably not. and this is how it is.
I sleep so much, and when I don´t my brain goes into alarm mode. I am again changing everything up, and I think so often of the words of my Dutch aunt who said, when I was 28 and breaking up with a boyfriend: „oh, we had so hoped that you finally settled down“ … It makes me laugh now. I am 52. And not settling down.
Why would I? and for what, for whom?
Yes, I do feel like a bit of stability would totally improve my life (and my mental health) and: I will never ever „settle down“.
Not like that. I want growth and change and learning. Every time I tried to „settle down“, or, worse, whenever I tried to fit in, I died internally …

Yesterday a woman asked me what kind of art I am making and whether I could show her something … and then it hit me that I had erased my website some months ago in a fit of rage and sadness and disappointment … so … I googled myself … and got to see some of my work online … (plus an old interview on YouTube) and it did something weird to me.
It felt old and also it felt like an abandoned part of me that is still there. And I still have not found a way to re-integrate it into my life. I do not want to revisit the past … and also: there is a lot of unexpressed anger in me when it comes to my art and a lot of sadness …
My abandoning my art is not something that I have done in a totally „clean“ way … I felt stuck and I felt abandoned and betrayed and I reacted.
One part really is the loss of faith in my creativity and one part is lack of support … And to being treated in a shitty way.

so, where I do I go from here?
Yesterday in Althüttendorf, we got the old huge bed out of the tiny little wooden hut … and a big table in … theoretically I could start working there.

It scares me. What will I encounter? Do I even wish to start again? What do I fear? And is there an excitement that I don´t want to feel? Out of fear that it will be crushed. again.

On this laptop, the one I use on a daily basis, there are no old files, no art, nothing from my former identity.

this is the interview on YouTube that I discovered when I googled myself:

Hier klicken, um den Inhalt von YouTube anzuzeigen.
Erfahre mehr in der Datenschutzerklärung von YouTube.

and some pictures from a camera roll I just got back.
Gerswalde and Mallorca

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